Decision #1: Location

One of the first things my fiancé and I agreed on when we began wedding planning was the kind of venue we wanted. Country clubs, plantations, and hotels were definitely out. This narrowed our choices to houses and gardens.

The first time we saw Hendry House we were unable to actually go inside the house. But we walked around the grounds and peeked into the windows. We liked it enough to come back for more. We fell even more in love with the house when we had a walk through with Sharon, the site coordinator. The grounds, the house and it's locale were perfect. Arlington is, after all, one of Dave's great loves - after me, orange juice and Formula 1. But since it was only the second venue we looked at we had to prove to ourselves that the location was the one. The next weekends were spent visiting and reviewing other houses and locations: AHS River Farm, Woodend, Stone Mansion, Cabell's Mill, Strathmore Hall, and Brookside Gardens.

We put temporary holds on the top contenders. We carefully weighed our options - discussing each venues' beauty and flaws. But what helped me decide was when I closed my eyes and imagined my wedding in each of the contenders. After that it was clear that Hendry was the location for us. We called Sharon to reserve our date.

One down, 100+ more decisions to make...

Ghost at the Expo

Today we visited the regional "bridal showcase" in Fairfax, VA. We left feeling queasy, due both to our stomachs full of cake samples, and the disturbing distension of our wedding budget.

I entered this planning process confident that we were more than a match for sentimental shills and crass tactics of wedding merchants. The showcase was the first real skirmish. The industry drew first blood when I was turned away at the door. The guy taking tickets informed us that men must enter through another entrance, which was in fact really an exit. When I circled around from the men's entrance, I saw that the purpose of the segregation was to load the women with fliers and to sign them up for volleys of spam without any male interference.

I regret I left the camera at home. One will have to imagine the arena floor and outer passageways of the Patriot Center jammed with brides, mothers and stone-faced men hauling bags full of menus and glossy pamphlets. The harpists banged out Bach, Wild Cherry's one good song blared from the live band on display. I was disappointed in the lack of blingism on display. There was only one ice-sculpture display, and only one motorized chocolate fondue vendor.

I understand completely that in a traditional world that I don't recognize on sight only women are interested in and make decisions on wedding matters. So, I came prepared to be invisible to vendors. Nonetheless I made a large number of photographers, caterers and cake makers talk to me. I assailed photographers with obviously ignorant technical questions about their equipment. I demanded to know if I could get a red velvet cake. I got carried away and asked if I could get an English style, i.e., Trinidadian black cake. The answer was a polite kind of "hell no" -- some nonesense about the bakery's unique unadulterable recipe.

Primarily, we learned a lot about photography. We saw countless massive albums and video slide shows. Gigantic glossy soft focus pictures of brides flanked by the columns of famous plantations throughout the state hung over displays. The chief lesson there was that good photography costs a lot. And, that the worst frequently costs the most. The same goes for invitations; and many other essential elements. Thus, while we did not wrap up any new elements of the plan, we are better trained to go toe to toe with the industry in the coming months.

Traditions

As the planning gets underway, the nuts and bolts of place and logistics will need to be complimented by the personal. Part of this will be putting elements of our respective cultures into effect in our wedding. Of course this is not a kind of unique statement or aim. I think a mirroring match of background or culture would be exceptional among the couples we know. Like a lot of people in our cohort, probably most of the weddings we have been to are combos of various sorts. I think I learned much of what I know about certain cultures and traditions from these experiences, and I hope to pass on the favor to others with our wedding.

This aspect of the wedding will also be a way for us to explore our respective cultures more and find out some new things that, as first-generation Americans, we sometimes took for granted or pushed aside with undue haste. A chief part of this will be developing important parts of Filipino wedding traditions in the ceremony and reception, on which there will be much much more to come.

Two Houses

Last week we saw our second candidate site, Hendry House, in Arlington, VA, where we live. This is a historic mansion in a city park. The house's main level has three cozy rooms with sparking wood floors, flowing neatly into another. Numerous large windows open to covered patios on three sides. We visited on a gray winter day, but could easily imagine the wooded grounds in fall colors for our planned October date.

Wedding site and cozy home are crossed purposes. But this house's close quarters generate a certain understated elegance and bit of spacial intrigue that make a virtue of its limitations. Nonetheless, its a small site. The house only holds 65 people inside seated at tables. A couple dozen more could be put out on the patios. Although we were told this is typical, it would be less than ideal. Squeezing people in and managing traffic could prove a challenge.

Hendry House is set in Fort C.F. Smith Park, historical park preserving a civil war Union army fortification, marking a crucial line of defense against the Confederacy. The house was built in the early 20th century. A restored Union fort in Virginia, where seemingly every other road and Junior High is named for Robert E. Lee and where the stars and bars fly from the strangest places, is an an odd and refreshing phenomenon. Arlington, in modern terms, still marks the the farthest reach of the U.S. counterrevolution.

The first site we visited, Decatur House, had the bones of a proper wedding site. It has a large rectangular room with an entry atrium side by side with a large stone courtyard. Sitting on the verge of Lafayette park, bookend to a row of elegant Federal row houses and a shout from the White House, it has a diffuse air of power and history. As is clear from its second billing in this report, it nonetheless failed to make the necessary impression. The mealy carpet and tourist trampled fittings reduce its air to airs. The courtyard is at the bottom of a canyon of buildings whose grim backsides are not what they might seem from their facades on Lafayette park. The price added a bad aftertaste. This has become a recurring theme with our other site visits, and a note Hendry House continually strikes in dominant contrast.

Wedding planning

This is the inaugural wedding-planning entry, and the first post of this collection. There will be other topics, and a different organization to house them, but I think this is a good place to start.

I must state at the outset that we are planning a snob's wedding. This is not a point of pride in itself, and it means that we have a tough road ahead of us. We proceed chastened by the shame of this bad behavior and its coming punishments. Specifically, this snob's path means that we will often decide to do things differently, sometimes in a way less costly than usual, sometimes far more. But in either case it will require the exertion of making choices where choices could be avoided.

Like more and more of our peers, we are paying for it all. We have no complaints about our means, but each dime we spend will be one we saved ourselves. And so we face a strong case for frugality. But this is consistent with our approach, because we know the binds of economy can liberate. They force care in choices and truth to self. We learned this lesson well during our five years in New York. After coming back to NoVa, its one thing about NYC I vowed not to forget on purpose.

Some choices will be driven by arbitrary requirements, some obvious, some ridiculous. There will be, clearly, no SUV limo. There are obvious alternatives to pulling up in a stretched, frosted quasi military vehicle, but not many fitting my narrow ideals (If anyone has a '65 Aston Martin DB6 or similar to let for an afternoon super cheap please contact me directly.) Also, I refuse to be wed on a plantation or in a country-club. You Virginians may know why this is both objectionable and potentially hard to avoid. Of course there will be other rigid objections. Many will succumb to reality, but their survival here and there will supply gratifying triumphs.

None of this is to say that we forgot where we came from -- we are not seeking to rise above ourselves or others, but to be ourselves. This wedding-plan is about showing who we are, and what we mean to each other. Planning it will be a way of affirming our shared values, our love . . . and fighting it out about the types of chairs for the reception.

As you wedding veterans know, the first order of battle is finding a place. On learning that you are engaged, everyone wants to know if you have set a date. Of course there is no when without a where, unless you are planning to hijack a public park for the event. In the next and the first proper installment we set out to find a place.